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When it comes to brown households, the topic of sex and intimacy becomes like a well-choreographed dance routine that glosses over the important topics and focuses largely on the idea of abstinence if you aren’t married and if you are, you’re told to just let men take the lead. Sex is then, just a tango for one.
In these hush-hush settings then, many young adults navigate sex and relationships through what they hear from their peers or for the most part the internet. We start assuming sex to be what we see on porn websites and internalise this distorted view of sex which is often violent, focused on male pleasure and more theatrics than intimate.
We also come to associate toxic relationships that we might see in movies or in our own homes, to be the ultimate definition of passionate all-consuming love, thus entering relationships that are abusive, manipulative and harmful for our mental well-being.
Hoping to debunk common myths and stop these toxic cycles from perpetuating are a few intimacy coaches and sex educators, who have taken to Instagram to help young adults and adults break these cycles and change their perception around sex and love.
Choosing a rather unconventional part as a woman, especially in a society that refuses to talk about sex, is intimacy coach and sex educator Pallavi Barnwal. Carving a niche path for herself, her journey has been nothing short of interesting.
From growing up in a dysfunctional family to finding herself in a sexless and dysfunctional marriage, she felt there must be a serious gap in what we are told to value in intimate relationships. This led to intensive research on her part and starting to train as a intimacy coach and sex educator for many like her. “Maybe 10 years down the line you’ll see more of these discussions coming up, of people embracing sexuality, pleasure as a profession, as a way of life” she tells us.
In an all-telling conversation with Homegrown, Pallavi Barnwal tells us about boundaries, changing the narrative around sex, the hysteria around the sex education in India and how to navigate all these complex dynamics.
Young Adults, Boundaries & Understanding The Challenges To A Relationship
More often that not, in Indian households, conflict is up for seeing, like when your parents fight or get into an argument, you see all this but when it comes intimacy and expressions of love they are reserved for the four walls of the bedroom. This manifests into adult relationships and these children end up in environments and fostering relationships that repeat those cycles then.
Young adults are always confused about relationships, about love, about sex; these are very confusing things especially for people who are growing up. So, you tend to enter toxic relationships. What are some signs that people should look for in a healthy relationship?
“Boundaries are important in relationships. Like we grow up believing that we need to give-give-give, or just to receive-recieve-recieve, but you need to know exactly where your own boundaries are. We are not comfortable giving that space to another person. We feel like the other person is talking to the opposite gender and a lot of people are not comfortable” says Pallavi.
Adding, “Or even sharing; I think that authenticity is important; who am I? Can I just show up? Because we tend to put up masks. We tend to put up guards. We tend to put up our best version when we’re entering into a relationship and slowly, steadily as we grow closer, our guards drop. Our masks drop. And then it becomes difficult. Like okay, I cannot handle the other person’s tiggers or they cannot handle mine. So there’s a lot of discontentment that starts because internally I have not accepted myself. I have not accepted my flaws. If I haven’t accepted my flaws I cannot accept the other person’s flaws.”
“Human relationships by nature are painful. We tend to think of relationships, we have these traditional, patriarchal structures, “mere ghar mein toh aisa nahi tha...” because my mom was a certain way and my dad was a certain way - there was a patriarchal division of work. Now, all of this is getting blurred so that is creating a serious unrest because women have their rights and want to talk about what they want and men are not raised to be that. These are the challenges.”
The Delicate Dance of Relationships
In this context how do we improve our intimate relationships?
I think we are very rigid in terms of what a relationship could be. Our rules are inflexible. I think relationships need a lot of flexibility to give people space and room to be who they are. We need that flexibility, we need that space, we need that compassion. Sometimes it’s not just about myself it’s about the other person. How much are you focusing on the other person and that play on self & other. Either we become a doormat - a people-pleaser or either we become a narcissist. These are the extremes. Where one person is taking-taking-taking and the other person is giving-giving-giving. I think a relationship is a play of give-and-take. How much are you giving and taking & how much am I giving and taking. That’s a delicate dance for a relationship.
Changing The Narrative Around Sex
There is hysteria and hesitation when it comes to talking about sex. Schools do not have comprehensive sex education and when it comes to our households, parents don’t feel comfortable talking about it more often than not. So, where can the hope for change come from?
Pallavi says, “I think change will come from the dialog, like how we are having a dialog, and then it becomes a public dialog, you know, more and more people are joining. You get certain people that are inspired and then they join the movement and then it kind of spreads. I think we need to keep talking about it. Talking is the only way to normalize because people are so inhibited to just say the word, forget about constructing sentences out of it.”
Moving Conversations About Sex Away From The Heteronormative Gaze
It’s only in the past few years that we’ve started talking about women’s pleasure as a concept in sex, for the longest sex was all about pleasing men. But even in the 21st century, when we talk about sex, the conversation is largely about heteronormative sex, which is just man and woman indulging in sex. There is a need for a shift in the conversation where we need to be more inclusive of people from the queer community and also people who are not engaging in just penetrative sex.
Pallavi says, “I agree. See, when I talk about pleasure - as I was talking about the body, I was not saying which body - is it the male body or female body or which genitalia it is. So definitely inclusion begins - of course the identities could be numerous - even within the queer community or when it comes to sexual orientation, there can be so many so many identities.”
Adding, “Sometimes people don’t even identify with a certain label. Label is the way I am projecting my identity in a society. That ‘ I am a woman’ or ‘I am heterosexual’ but I go beyond that label. I might like kissing more and I might like cuddling less, when it comes to sexual activities, even within the same orientation or the same sexual identity, there can be so many variations.”
Sexual Preferences Are Like Aadhar Card
Narrating an incident, Pallavi says, “Sexuality is so complex, I’ll tell you something— I spoke to this heterosexual man and he told me that for him the ultimate arousal comes from undressing a woman. He is not even interested in intercourse and that was the reason his first marriage failed because he would not show as much interest.”
“Another heterosexual man said I want to make love to my woman when she’s covered. He said, “It’s not due to any discomfort with nudity, I just like seeing her all covered up.” People have different preferences and fetishes. It can vary from person to person. It can vary between you and me, as to what could be sexual to us.”
“It’s just like my aadhar card, you know. Just like no two thumb prints are the same, sexuality is just like that. We just have to see pleasure as pleasure.”
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