Living With Mental Illness - 7 Indians Share Their Journeys [Vol. II]

Two years ago, when a family friend’s son jumped to his death from their seventh floor balcony, my parents’ entire network of friends was left shaken. But it wasn’t in the way that I had expected, and at a dinner party, a month or so after the incident, I overheard statements that summed up India’s stance on mental illness pretty well. The general thoughts thrown around followed the “Oh the poor boy was depressed, what a shame, we had no idea!” to the more stark “What a coward, it was just a phase that would have passed, how could he do this to his parents!” and even “But he was from such a well-to-do, good family.”

What many seem to forget is that having a mental illness is not a choice someone makes, nor is it always a result of their circumstances. Nobody chooses to have Clinical Depression, Anorexia Nervosa or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and yet, it is made to seem that people might have a certain control over these matters.

As per a recent survey, 60 million Indians suffer from mental illness. Considering that’s a number larger than a country’s entire population, why then is the mere mention of a mental illness in our country met with such stony silence, even in 2017? While surveys show numbers skew higher for urban populations, few things cut across barriers of caste, class and gender as our disdain for those suffering from mental health issues. Why has it becomes a topic riddled with stigma and shame? Anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, eating disorders and depression are just a few of the terms on the spectrum of illnesses that are little acknowledged or even known of by our society at large. And in today’s digital age, it hasn’t gotten any easier.

While easy access to information and resources have been a boon to young people too afraid to ask the questions of their parents and guardians, it, however, comes with its own set of drawbacks. As social media usage rises on a daily basis, so does the constant need and pressure to please an audience that has little-to-nothing to do with our lives. We’re drawn to create an ideal false image of ourselves or our lives, but this only leads to further isolation and alienation from people who may be in the same position as us, but you can never see what’s actually going on behind the dog-eared photo filters. India is a country of so many paradoxes that it’s becoming hard to keep track - while our history is rich with sexual exploration, we condemn sexuality; the family-oriented society prides itself on its close-knit homogeneous nature, while family members stay tight-lipped on too many topics that are just just swept under the rug, fearing what your next-door Aunty would say. Saying that mental illness has had a terrible portrayal in pop culture and the media would be a massive understatement as well. And although this has started to change with a few realistic gems popping up in recent times, rarely do we talk about personal stories and experiences off the silver screen.

Here in India, there’s​ always an attitude that assumes a quick fix - exercise, yoga, or ‘it’s all in your head/control’ are merely useful tools to cope with mental illnesses. It is when they start being treated as cures, things get complicated. It needs to be clearly understood that mental health can be a long battle, one in which pity, judgment and accusations have no place. For so many suffering on a daily basis the greatest fear comes from an uneducated society, who believe that a mental illness is inconsequential in the face of physical illness.

But our times have changed, as more and more courageous people speak up about living with a mental illness, raising awareness of its mere existence and breaking the long remained ‘crazy’ and ‘paagal’ stigma it has been stuck with. This is all, of course, easier said than done; when we put out a call to speak to people living with mental illnesses, and the fact that only one man reached out to us was particularly telling. It left us deliberating the absent voice of men when it comes to anything perceived as ‘weak’ in our patriarchal society.

Since May was Mental Health Awareness Month, we wanted to provide a safe space for young Indians who survive, work, live, love and more with mental illnesses or disorders, to take control of their own narrative in a country where it’s hard to put your hand up and talk about an issue without fear of judgement. As one of our contributors put it best, “going to seek professional help does not mean that one is ‘crazy’ or inadequate for a job involving a high skill set. There is nothing demeaning about seeking help if you think you need it.”

[The following is in no order of preference, you can read the first volume of the series here.]

I. Shalaka Pai | 25 | Filmmaker/Illustrator

Borderline Personality Disorder

“In my treatment we refer to it as emotional dysregulation. I’ve had issues since I was 15, and between the age of 22 and 23 I figured it might be more serious than just a situational thing. I didn’t really understand the full impact of my diagnosis until I went home and Googled it – note: DON’T DO THAT. That was scary, really scary, because all the medical websites describe the highest possibilities on the spectrum, and that was quite intense for me to read up on. But at the same time, a lot of things started making sense. It was actually really good to put a label on everything I’d been going through for the last 5-10 years. I think the term ‘emotional dysregulation’ fits my condition more than anything else.

I don’t know if it’s an insecurity but I’m now hyper-aware of my emotions, actions and my reasons for them. I’m constantly trying to decode which parts of it are me, as a person, and which are the illness. Honestly, I’m comfortable in most situations, on bad days though I find myself most comfortable at home. On those days, I generally need to distract myself from the anxiety with work or exercise or TV shows. If I have a particularly bad panic attack, I call either my Mum or my best friend, both of whom help me talk things out and understand why I’m feeling this way. And depending on what is stressing me out, I could either be uncomfortable in social situations, or have troubles performing specific tasks at work. But I’m in a much better phase right now, thanks to the ongoing treatment. So nothing is tougher than usual. Except waking up in the morning, that’s always rough.”

What do you love about yourself?

“I love that I’ve developed a deeper understanding of emotions. I find myself able to better see the meaning behind other people’s words and actions.”

Advice you’d give someone who has just been diagnosed with a mental illness

“DO NOT GOOGLE IT BY YOURSELF - It can be fairly triggering. Ask your doctor for resources that they recommend if you’d like to learn more. Get help if you feel like you need it. Consider medication only if your doctor recommends it. Basically, find a therapist that works for you (don’t get discouraged if the first one doesn’t work out) and then stick with them. Be patient. It could often get a couple of tries to find the right treatment for you.”

II. Rosa Abuboo* | 21 |Undergraduate Student

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

“I was aware that my behaviour and thought processes weren’t ‘average’ from the age of 15 when I researched my symptoms online, but I was officially diagnosed with OCD only last year (2016) in August because that was when I sought professional help. I decided to speak to a therapist because the symptoms of OCD were disrupting my everyday life and the more work I took on, the more difficult it got to keep up. I also needed a definitive medical opinion about whether I had OCD or not, because I felt like I existed in a grey area where I knew something was wrong and that I was different, but I didn’t know how or why.

I accepted that I needed a definitive answer on whether I had OCD or not because I was always upset and distressed with intrusive thoughts and compulsions that disrupted my work and general peace of mind. I also started to feel the inability to differentiate between what was an objective reality and what I had irrationally imagined. So, the diagnosis was more of an explanatory factor as I had already accepted that my obsessive-compulsive behaviour was something I was unable to get rid off.

I am more defensive about my behaviour now that I know I have OCD because it’s a real illness to me and not a cleanliness quirk that people like to joke about. I also feel the pressure to prove that this is a real issue I live with that affects my life and not something I’ve overreacted about or imagined. People mean well when they offer up alternative reasons that may explain how I think and behave, like stress and homesickness, but it is mentally taxing to have to defend that I have a mental illness that requires professional help. One of the symptoms of OCD is a compulsive need for reassurance that one’s behaviour and thoughts are not irrational or unfounded, and I get that support and reassurance from my best friends and therapist.

Establishing patterns is incredibly natural to me. So, I’m able to break down all sorts of tasks and complete them systematically. This helps in every little thing I do, professionally or personally. What is difficult is the ability to stray away from these patterns, especially during teamwork and group activities. I don’t like to feel like I use my mental illness as an excuse, so I internalize my anxiety and any discomfort that arises when I can’t follow my set patterns, especially around people who don’t know I have OCD.”

What do you love about yourself?

“I love that I fought the uphill battle to get myself therapy because it is an extremely discouraging process when mental health is so stigmatised, even when you have the privilege to have the access to healthcare. So, I see my attempts to have my voice heard as a display of self-love and acceptance.”

A misconception about your illness that bothers you?

“A misconception that bothers me is when OCD is primarily associated with organization and cleanliness. There are various themes that OCD can take on and an obsession with contamination and hygiene is only one such aspect. People also regard OCD as an advantage to people living with it because it is considered a sign of meticulousness; but, that is simply untrue because any thoroughness that comes with OCD stems from a compulsive need to perform that behaviour rather than a desire to be efficient.”

III. Ananya Gautama* | 25 | Creative Director & Stand-Up Comedian

Anxiety and Depression

“About six months ago, I went a psychiatrist on the recommendation of a friend who noticed I was exhibiting patterns of depression and anxiety disorder - something she was suffering from as well. Once I met the doctor, I realised that all those moments of breathlessness, crying and the feeling of something pressing down on my chest that I’d dismissed as a kind of ‘intense sadness’ earlier, were actually panic attacks. Fortunately, since being on medication and in therapy, I’ve not had another one.

It wasn’t that hard to accept because some of my friends were already going through the same thing. The real fear was the idea of telling my parents about this. In one of my stand up sets I have a joke that goes ‘I have anxiety and depression. Which means I’m constantly worried about how sad I am.’ Depression creates this vicious circle where your idea of you being inadequate or lesser is amplified by the fact that you’re dealing with a mental disorder that other people aren’t.

You feel you aren’t as capable physically, mentally and emotionally as most of your peers, which is why it’s hard to tell people about your condition, because there is this feeling of ‘what if they think even lesser of me?’ Though I surround myself with friends and family who understand what I’m going through, there are instances where certain friends, or my parents, engage in special behaviour that I know they wouldn’t engage in if they didn’t know about my diagnosis. They take precautions about saying things they feel might trigger a certain thought process. Sometimes it gets out of hand and ends up making me feel worse.

I find it very easy to have conversations with new people, to diffuse any situation with humour. I find it very easy to be a listening ear or a voice of support to people who need it. However, I find it very difficult to boost my self-worth every day. It’s a challenge when a voice in your head is constantly telling you that you’re a failure in so many aspects of your life. It’s hard to believe that people would want to be friends with me or date me, even though the rational part of my brain keeps trying to tell me I have so many close friends and several women who have dated me in the past.

The real challenge is fighting the voice you know is irrational. While you know it’s lying to you, it seems to win a lot of the times.”

What do you love about yourself?

“I love my sense of humour. I know it’s a defence mechanism, but it’s the most fun defence mechanism there is.”

The Indian mindset towards mental health issues

“There are friends I can’t tell my diagnosis to, because they still believe that ‘Depression and anxiety are just sadness and stress intensified. Go for a vacation, drink a beer, you’ll be fine.’ The understanding of mental health issues needs to be addressed.

One way to do this is to address mental health issues in the way we treat physical illnesses, in primary education. In school, science and biology classes told us about the common cold, about physical injuries etc, but no textbook or teacher ever mentioned mental health. That would be a great place to start, I feel.”

IV. Devika Sisodia | 27 | Writer

Clinical Depression - Anxiety

“With over 7 months of struggling with distress and having been on the verge of self harm, I contemplated that something was wrong, because I am a strong person and this feeling of harming myself and putting an end to all of the struggles by committing suicide wasn’t worth it. That is when I started Googling the symptoms and researched about mental health, before ultimately confiding in my mother that I needed to speak to someone who would understand. During my first session, I couldn’t speak much as I cried my eyes out in front of the therapist. I was unable to speak of what the problems were. By the end of an hour and with her help, I came to terms with certain things; when she held my hand and told me that I was sick and it was curable. After the third session, I fully surrendered to her (therapist) with an ardent hope that she will help me get through because I had lost hope when it came to myself, my family and friends.

I had my share of insecurities which were propelled and put straight on the table; I had to either deal with or let them hamper me for the years to come. The worst feeling was to accept these insecurities. I was dealing with cognitive distortions which occur to almost all depressed people where your mind refuses to rationalise behaviours and the ‘blame game’ starts where the focus is either on the self or on others, depending on the situations.

Since, I am a writer, the most difficult part (which still is) is to concentrate on reading or writing. With a head full of useless/cumulative thoughts, I always picked up a book or an article ro read. With almost 10% retention ability, reading helped. Undoubtedly, the best healer is nature but yes, to be honest, amid the silence I used to feel lonely as well, and that was hard. Music healed me too. My therapist puts impetus on natural remedies so I was devoid of medicines which I think has helped me so far to be able to fight my own inner demons.

The most difficult thing I have to deal with is relationships. I have a very different set of thoughts when it comes to relationships and freedom required in dealing with them. On one hand, I make friends easily as I have an extrovert attitude but fall miserably on my face when I have to maintain the conditions that come attached to each relation.”

What do you love about yourself?

“That is a difficult question to answer right now. If you’d have asked me this a year back and I would have taken as many good words that I know in my vocabulary and written a page out of them. For now, I would say that I have compassion and I live with absolutely no regrets.”

The Indian mindset towards mental health issues

“Here’s the most difficult part, convincing people that something is running around in the head which is often inexplicable by the sufferer. We need to raise awareness about the mental health, its symptoms and remedies through seminars in schools, colleges and offices. Most importantly, all parents need to attend these seminars, especially now that communication between people has subdued to social media posts and statuses instead of face-to-face conversations. Educating people about self-help and therapists is important, as most of the young minds today are silently suffering, fighting their own battles and falling prey to self harm and committing suicide.”

V. Swapna Dheeraj* | 24 | Writer

Bipolar II Disorder - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Social Anxiety - Atypical Eating Disorder

“I guess you could say that something had always been a bit amiss. My mood disorder was ‘officially’ diagnosed when I was 18, although my psychiatrist hasn’t, till date, said it out loud to me. I had to read it on a piece of paper for the first time when he had to write a prescription-type letter thing when I was travelling for a long time and had to carry quite a lot of medication with me – basically declaring that I have a problem, for which all this medication is needed and that I’m not a drug dealer. I’ve self harmed more times than I can count the scars on my body, have an atypical eating disorder, EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), and I suffer from Depersonalisation at times, but these come and go.

Rejection is probably my biggest fear/insecurity that runs real deep - all peripheral insecurities tie down to this for me. It’s both a boon and bane for me now, in the sense that it has made me grow thicker skin, but on the other hand, it makes you completely internalise everything. So you end up living your own life and being yourself, only in your head.

An ideal situation would be me, my dog and my bedroom. Animal energy comforts me, that pure unconditional love is incomparable to any human connection. Although, to be fair I have to say that my boyfriend matches up as second best. We started dating pretty recently but I can say with certainty that of all humans, he is the one I feel most comfortable with. I have never met someone with a kinder soul or littler hands in my life, and of course, here’s where the insecurities play up again - it terrifies me how comfortable I feel with him. I try to ‘hold back the crazy’ as my friends have always suggested jokingly, out of fear - that I’ll push him too hard and too far. I think about that everyday, because I have a lot of love to give, and I hold it back out of fear. This fear drives me insane and I hate it.

Maintaining relationships is hard - it tends to become an ‘all or nothing’ type of thing for me. I’m working towards making it better. I tend to hold grudges, which many of the times are in my own head. I guess that’s where my ego comes into play as well, so once I feel wronged it’s hard for me to let go. When you have anxiety a lot of things become hard - interacting with people mostly. I’m not an easy person to be with or be around, so I tend to/and try to stay on my own most of the time - I am no one’s burden, problem nor project to save. I shut down easily - it’s easy for me to detach from situations and people (except romantic relationships, I’ve noticed) which others perceive as being ‘cold-hearted’.”

What do you love about yourself

“Constantly monitoring my own emotions and behaviour has made me hyper aware of others as well. I can read people easily, their moods, their needs. It has made me perceptive and very rational/objective.”

A misconception about your illness that bothers you?

“People don’t know that there are multiple types of Bipolar Disorder - I’m a type 2, which involves hypomania, not full-blown mania, which is most often not even recognisable for other people. But when the depression hits, it really hits, and that’s when you start identifying the mania. My hypomania is more the irritability and anger driver, as opposed to what you’d see depicted in pop culture.
There are many aspects to the disorder, and people assume you have extreme mood swings between sadness and extreme happiness - but that’s not the case for me.
So the biggest misconception you could say, at least from my personal experience, is when someone responds by saying - “but you’ve never been manic-type happy!”

VI. Susheela Rajapalayam* | 33 | Corporate Sector

Depression and Anxiety

“I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety on March 29, 2017. A date I will never forget. I always considered myself an extremely emotional person, a fight with a friend or a comment passed in anger by someone dear to me felt like the world had come crumbling down. That’s just how I always was. I had many sleepless nights and there’s this one particular night which I remember so well. It was 3 a.m. I couldn’t sleep, the same thoughts were running in my head and I was staring at the ceiling. I could see myself hanging from the ceiling fan. I could picture everything and while I knew it would devastate my loved ones, weirdly enough, there was a strong urge to do it. I felt that as the only way I could be at peace. I couldn’t snap myself out of it. That night scared the crap out of me.

Things got progressively worse and I was crying almost all the time until a dinner with a dear friend changed everything for me. I broke down in front of her, she told me she use to have the same feelings and she was recently diagnosed with clinical depression and was now on anti-depressants. I could see the change in her. It felt so good to be able to talk to someone who understood what I was going through. She immediately called her doctor and got me an appointment for the following week. That’s when I was diagnosed.

Weirdly enough, I was able to accept it right there and then. As she was explaining it to me, I realized how serious my condition was, but the feeling of relief superseded everything else. She told me had it all my life and that night was nothing less than a terrible episode. I felt free as I then knew what the issue was. She explained it to me so simply, like it was just another disease and I need to take tablets to fix it. When your serotonin levels fall, you lose all coping mechanisms and everything is in the negative. It’s a chemical imbalance and that was it. It felt so good to be able to talk about everything, cry in front of someone and just share how shitty I felt. It felt like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders. I did have a few apprehensions about taking anti-depressants, like most of us ignorant people. But my doctor explained everything to me calmly and in detail. Sharing all this with my husband and my closest people, made me feel like all was well. I didn’t even think twice before telling them. I had no apprehensions - I didn’t choose depression, depression chose me. This wasn’t and isn’t my fault.

After being diagnosed and reading up on the stats, I noticed how casually we used the term ‘depressed’ and ‘panic attack/anxiety’. I noticed how everyone would talk about suicide and just blame the person for losing hope. I mean, suicide was considered a crime until recently.

No one believed that someone like me could suffer from depression and anxiety, I couldn’t accept it, I still have a lot of issues regarding this. I’m dealing with it now and I know I shall overcome it. If by talking, it can help even one person, it’s worth it.

I am scared that certain close friends and family will treat me differently, walk on eggshells around me, but I’m taking it one step at a time.”

What do you love about yourself?

“I love my ability to bounce back from any situation and turn it into a victory.”

A misconception about your illness that bothers you?

“Please be normal and feel free to criticize me or tell me something negative – I will not go and kill myself or sit in a corner and cry. Also people feel it’s your fault you have depression – like I said earlier, I did not choose depression.”

VII. Himanshu Singh | 28 | Fashion Model, Theatre Actor, Photographer

Major Depressive Disorder - Social Anxiety

“I was formally diagnosed towards the end of November, in 2016, which is also when I started with oral medication for the same. But I’ve been experiencing symptoms, going for psychotherapy and alternative treatments on and off for the last nine years. In the initial phase, which was around 2007, it was more or less self-diagnosis for me after reading about it in magazines and on the internet because I didn’t have access to much help back then. But being the open-minded person I am, self-acceptance was not a big issue – acceptance by friends and family was, especially my parents who would casually write it off when I tried talking to them about it in the initial years, and most of my friends just didn’t seem to get it. That made me second guess its validity and doubt it which went on to compound the problem further.

The stigma against depression keeps people from accepting it, and hence, treating it. My doctor last year asked me a very important question: ‘Why the hell didn’t you see me earlier? Why did you go through all this suffering for all these years? It has caused you a significant amount of damage in your brain, we could have recovered that easily had you sought help earlier.’ I had no answer at that time, but now when I think about it, it was perhaps internalised stigma imbibed from my surroundings.

I do feel people treat me differently after learning about my disorder, but it’s mostly in a positive way because I have been selective and wise about discussing the details with people. Most of them have shown much-needed concern and support, but there have been people who have displayed skepticism and a general ignorance and indifference about it - these people insinuate that I am just weak and lazy and I don’t have enough will power or determination. They often start telling me about ‘difficulties and hardships’ in their own life or other’s lives and they compare it to mine and say things like ‘Your miseries are nothing as compared to that.’ They don’t consider depression to be a legitimate disorder.

I feel comfortable around non-judgemental, open-minded and empathetic people in general. I feel fortunate to have made some beautiful friends in my life who are exactly that. I feel very comfortable and secure around them. Off-late that list also includes my parents because they have warmed up to the idea of me getting treatment for my mental illnesses and they have been tremendously supportive. Roof-tops always make me feel at peace. So do hills and forests. They have a strange healing effect. Also, places with beautiful architecture make me feel great.

The one big misconception about depression that people have is that they confuse it with sadness. They are two very different things. Sadness is a very normal human emotion/expression much like anger, hatred, happiness, joy, jealousy, gratitude etc. Depression on the other hand is a debilitating illness of the mind which doesn’t just go away by ‘hanging out with friends’ or ‘watching a funny movie’. People aren’t aware about it. They don’t consider depression to be a valid disorder. They have their own warped ideas about it.”

What do you love about yourself?

“I’m going to borrow from something that was said to me by this amazing new friend I have made, to answer this question. She told me that I am the definition of joy, that I am a joyous being. And I think that’s true. I relentlessly seek and share joy. That is something I love about myself.”

What do you find very difficult to do? And what comes very easily to you?

“In my depressive phase, and in general too, I find it very difficult to cry. But once in a blue moon when I do manage to cry it helps me tremendously. It helps me vent out all the negative thoughts and I feel much lighter in my head. With some of my other friends also suffering from depression it is the opposite. They cry endlessly and uncontrollably.

The very important skill of ‘seeking help’ comes relatively easy to me. I have sought help right from my very first year. I read up and researched about it thoroughly, I spoke to alternative healers, I found out psychotherapists and counsellors. Many of them were just unaffordable for the independent and perpetually broke new guy in the city I was (I’ve been in Bombay for 6 years now). After going through several therapists over the years I finally found a wonderful one in this woman called Radhika Sharma who helped me greatly. I also saw a psychiatrist who put me on oral medication on which I have been for the past 6 months and that has also been helping me a great deal. So all of this started with coming out about it and ‘seeking help’.”

*****Name has been changed to protect the identity of the contributor as per their request

If you liked this story, we recommend you read:

“Last Year, I Wanted To Kill Myself”

‘It’s Time We Addressed Mental Health Issues In The Music Industry’

YourDOST: A Counselling Website That Strives To Break The Stigma Of Mental Illness

My Mother, The Schizophrenic Who Shaped My Life

Stop Telling Me To ‘Get Over It’: A Personal Account Of Dealing With Depression

Featured illustration by Raul Miranda

If you would like the join the conversation and share your story, write in to editor@homegrown.co.in with the subject line ‘MENTAL HEALTH’.