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“I’m a little old-fashioned about this. He’s supposed to be the gentleman here, he’s supposed to pay.”
I remember my college friend’s excitement when she announced she was moving to Bombay after we graduated. More than freedom from her parent’s house rules and curfews, she was looking forward to a whole new dating pool. A month later we caught up over the phone, and of course, the first thing I asked her about was her exciting new dating life. She told me about her first date in the new city: “He bought the first round of drinks, and when the bill for the meal came I took out my wallet to split the tab, but he still insisted on paying for it. We had a little back and forth and I finally just gave in, I thought he was just being sweet.”
As the night wrapped up and they were walking out of the pub, he put a hand around her waist and asked if she wanted to get a couple of more drinks at his friend’s party. She had enjoyed herself so far, and didn’t see the harm in it. “Before we made our way towards the parked rickshaws I don’t know why but I just blurted out that I was having fun, but I wasn’t going to sleep with him,” she said. “His face fell, he didn’t even try to hide his disappointment,” she told me. After that he turned to my friend and said “well, I guess I paid for nothing then.” My friend was livid. “What kind of reasoning is that?!” she fumed.
Dating is a hard game for most of us, and it’s probably safe to say that a lot of us have been in similar situations as the above. As the complexities of dating become more and more nuanced, not to mention the contractual nature of such relationships evolving constantly, the end of the night has become a contentious part of it. When the bill is placed on the table, we arrive at perhaps one of the most trickiest parts – who pays?
As frivolous as the topic may seem on the surface, it’s actually telling of far deeper cultural and gender-specific nuances. Dating culture, in the urban context, is a relatively new thing in India, with men and women still defining the playbook for where it might all be headed. There’s pressure on both sides of the spectrum here. While we’re racing ahead with feminism in the gender debate, the concept of chivalry for men is still very much alive and expected.
Whether it’s the first date or the twenty third, many women still hold the assumption that men pay the bill. No matter how vigilant your radar for misogyny, these women still feel slighted if they are asked to pick up the tab. On the other hand, many are offended by an attempt to pay for them without even offering to split the bill. Men sit on both sides of the fence too. This ongoing confusing has made dating tricky and I was keen to understand where everybody – single men and women, straight couples, same-sex couples and more – stood on it. So a huge, dynamic discussion was triggered where all the biggest, most dynamic discussions happen – Facebook, of course – and here are some of the interesting perspectives and thoughts that came up.
1. “Dating is expensive business, far more for women who have to spend way more on grooming and appearance for a date than men do. So for now, not going to fight this too much because the cost factor weighs heavier on women. And yes, I advocate for no makeup-no frills style dating, but from what I know, that isn’t gonna pick up any time soon.” - Pallavi Rao
“You know how expensive it is to get hair done, buy a dress - in general we do pay a lot to look good, so in my books, I wouldn’t judge a woman too harshly for not paying on dates.” - Bindi Mehta
We all live on a budget, and between paying rent and bills, having money left to be ‘date ready’ isn’t feasible for most people. It’s expensive being a woman, everywhere in the world. The invisible expenses women bare, be it money spent on health care from childbirth, to waxing and tampons, has always been high comparative to men. But does the high cost of female life, be it purely based on cultural standards and expectations that are often rooted in patriarchy, justify holding men responsible for the expenses in dating? These are choices we make as individuals, and you will come across countless men who too spend money on grooming themselves, be it out of personal choice or for another person – they may even end up spending more than a woman does on it.
2. “If women had equal job opportunities and equal pay this discussion would make sense, no?” - Aditya Vohra
“We pay for our own tampons and our own stretch mark creams and gynaecologists and we go to work. If the conversation is about sharing bills equally, that is a much larger conversation than dinner.” - Fairy Pardiwalla
Unless you’re lucky enough to have family money to fall back on, living and working in urban cities makes it hard to have a social life, while trying to keep your head above the water financially.
As more and more women break into the male bastions, no longer are they dependent on men financially. Today, we live in an age where women, in several circumstances, earn the same if not more than men. A lot of these earnings go into just surviving, as a woman, in this world. Of course, there is no contending that the wage gap does exist across industries, but when it comes down to the two people on the date, does who earn what come up for discussion? If the woman earns more than the man, is there still a clear expectation?
3. “I’ve always paid for dinners, lunches, party entries even. It has led to some boys never wanting to go out with me again” - Payal Mehta
“If a man always pays, he’s establishing superiority, at least in his head. There is no superior gender, and this mentality trickles down into smaller gestures like these. Chivalry is not about paying, it’s about manners and etiquette – being polite, and that goes to both genders. If certain women feel that paying is what a ‘courteous gentleman’ should do, then she’ll have to make me a sandwich when I’m home and say ‘hi honey, how was work?’ every day. Gender relations can’t be defined by such boundaries, and they shouldn’t. It’s 2017 for God’s sake.” - Tristan Braganca
What is it about machismo that makes it so fragile? When we talk about expectations, it’s important to see how roles reverse as well. Some women may still continue expecting ‘chivalrous’ men to pay, there are also men whose egos can’t handle a woman wanting to pick up the tab or even split the bill. Is it the animal instinct of being the protector and provider that drives male bravado to feeling belittled when it comes to finances? Men are traditionally conditioned to be the strong, stoic heads of the family –breadwinners that have dependents. It’s too often linked to one’s ‘masculinity’ and this only in turn applies pressure on male’s to live up to such standards. We’re no psychoanalysts here, but it seems that men’s defensiveness and anger when it comes to women wanting to pay gets interpreted as a questioning of their manhood, and thus ensues a battle of egos.
4. “If she doesn’t even offer to pay then you leave. Of course, it’s awkward to ask them to pay, but come on! I can’t be the only one shelling out cash, I don’t have an endless supply. She can at least buy me a dessert or a drink!” - Rohan Shukla
‘It’s the thought that counts’ may be a cliche phrase, but it is undeniably relevant in the dating world. Making a lean in for the bill or reaching for your wallet and wanting to go dutch, even if it’s an empty offer, counts. It’s about trying, when you (male or female) feel like the person you’re sitting across from is not making an attempt or even feigning to, that’s when the problem arises. Nobody likes to feel like they’re being taken advantage of, and it’s not only about finances but the lack of gesture. There’s always something you can bring to the table, contributing whatever you can (for both sexes) still means something to the other party.
5. “I was a brat in college, my parents would send me money and I would always want to go to expensive places. I’d insist on going to these places, he would tell me straight up that there’s no way he could afford it, so I would just pick up the tab. I really wanted to go to these super fancy places, so why should it force him into coughing up the cash for it? It was a non-issue for me. Now I’m so broke that he even bought my toothbrush for me, so it’s a give and take.” - Vikramaditya Sharma
“It has nothing to do with gender. In today’s day and age, where women are also earning enough to support themselves, they do not need to be paid for. Of course, it’s nice to be taken and out and wined and dined, but you can’t only expect a man to do that. Pampering goes both ways, and everyone loves to be pampered now and then.” - Shweta Kaushik
Communication is really important when it comes to any relationship, dating or not. Being able to say, ‘this is what I can afford, this is what I can’t’ applies to all genders, regardless of who asks who out and who picks the place. Ultimately, you need to be able to put yourself in the other’s shoes. A more empathetic approach curbs the chance of somebody doing something they either cannot or do not want to do, purely because of certain expectations.
Extremes are always bad – always insisting to pay and never paying at all, or even offering to – and the need to find common ground in the early stages sets the tone for your relationship with most people. It’s hard to navigate this space a lot of the time, just look at the varying responses Homegrown received from people of all genders to the question that was posed. Nothing is absolute; there is no definitive answer or code that will give a final answer to this dilemma – whether you split the bill or let them pick up the tab and you pay for the next one. The best we can do as we keep evolving as individuals is to seek other perspectives while voicing our own.
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