I remember the first mixed race couple I ever met; my neighbours from back home in Goa. He hailed from Kanpur, while she was from England, and they met on her brief visit to India. Considering this was in the pre-partition period, acceptance for a relationship like theirs was far from forthcoming. Fast forward a few years to after partition, when she was forced to leave, and you’ve got a tale that’d put Romeo and Juliet to shame.
From dealing with India’s struggle with borders, surviving on snail mail for years without seeing each other and broken phone calls with struggling telephone operators, they somehow made it work, until they finally got married. They’ve proudly owned their cross-cultural background ever since, and have ensured that their children and grandchildren grew up to do the same.
While it is agreed that over the years, technology has made it relatively easier to keep up a long-distance relationship, or to meet the peanut butter to your paratha, not a lot of people understand that the complexity of a cross-cultural relationship can run a whole lot deeper. There’s an entire lifetime worth of culture and customs that you’re going to be exposed to, not to mention, possibly have to learn. Follow that up with constant doses of ‘friendly advice’ from random strangers who’ll notice this disparity when you walk around with your significant other, and the big question — who makes the big move, when things get serious?
While no relationship is an easy ride, mixed race couples really do have their work cut out for them. And they just happen to represent a world that’s coming together rather than falling apart at its borders. They represent a breed of humans willing to move away from fear, rigid bias and squeamishness about the ‘unknown’. In that vein, we reached out to a few people who’ve been making it work, despite the above (and more) obstacles life has thrown at them. Scroll on to read their stories!
Disclaimer: Being a crowd-sourced post, this article is based on responses from willing participants.
I. Janet and Nicolas
Relentless. Fulfilling. Dependable.
Janet is your typical South Indian, but was born and brought up in Delhi, while Nicolas was born and brought up in the North of France. She works in a digital agency, focusing on social marketing for fashion brands, while Nicolas cooks up a storm at a French food truck in the city with his partners.
The Story Behind It All
“We actually met through mutual friends at a brunch. I was my usual chatty self and he remained quiet, hearing one story after another. We went our separate ways after, till we bumped into each other at a party where he pursued me! We kept meeting at mutual gatherings, and soon started dating.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“Being with Nicolas has been an adventure. From trying foie gras, snails, raclette, and wine, to playing petanque (a French game)! On the other hand, he’s dealt with the spiciest food, to traveling in our buses — without a single complaint. It was refreshing considering other white folks I’ve known have constantly sulked about the language barriers and weather. We’re compatible because of our openness to new things. Needless to say, he loves his butter chicken and I, my blue cheese.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“French music! Also, the general ease with the opposite gender.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“Fortunately, I have amazing parents who’ve always supported every decision I’ve made. My friends provided me with unconditional encouragement. The same goes for Nicolas’ family and friends, who welcomed me with immense love. So when we began dating, the criticism was from the outside, not our world.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“The moment we see a brown girl with a white guy, she is perceived as easy, probably a gold digger or just generally someone who doesn’t aspire to be in a steady relationship. In his case, people assumed he was in for a ‘good exotic time.’ Plus our society’s rampant idolisation of a white partner needs to stop. Having a partner of a different ethnicity is not a status symbol.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“For us, the biggest challenge is just the uncertainty of circumstances. We are constantly applying for or renewing our visas. Our friends joke about us getting married, but marriage really isn’t the solution to everything. There are a lot of external challenges that we face, especially for Nicolas who is working on building a business in a foreign country.
II. Mark and Kriti
Cosmopolitan. Open-minded. Philosophical.
Kriti is an Indian who later grew up in Dubai. She currently lives and works as a copywriter/editor in Amsterdam with Mark who works as an education consultant with primary schools.
The Story Behind It All
“We met in 2007 at a summer school on Human Rights, in Bangalore. For Mark, it was love at first sight, but it took a while longer for me. Mark came back to India for nine months after school ended to get to know me better. After that, I went to the Netherlands to start my second Masters. We ended up getting married in Mysore, in 2010.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“I love the practical and down-to-Earth nature of the Dutch. They cycle a lot and love spending time outdoors. Also, it’s great to be able to walk along the street at night as a woman without getting harassed. As for Mark? He’s crazy about a lot that comes with India — food, movies and music. He even wrote his Master’s thesis on Bollywood!”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“The freedom of choice that people have in the Netherlands – to choose a study you likeand a job you feel like doing, instead of what’s expected. Mark wishes he could experience India’s family culture, where things are always done together and people just drop by for dinner. In Holland, everything is more individualist.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“Before we were married, we were a live-in relationship. My parents lived in denial for a long time but they never stopped me from making my own choices. Mark’s family was generally more supportive, although his grandparents were a bit skeptical. Once our families encountered each other at the wedding, they were completely sold. Now a lot of my family is more in love with Mark than me.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“I’ve been asked if I fell in love with his skin colour. Skin colour had nothing to do with it, except that it is correlated to the kind of upbringing he’s had. Fellow Indians find that hard to believe. Someone once told Mark that I must be a very spiritual person, who’s into yoga and all that — which I’m not at all!”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“The biggest challenge for us is finding the place we want to really live and settle down. The Netherlands is still Mark’s home, but I don’t quite feel at home here. India may be a future option, but as of now, the work culture, bureaucracy, and the crowds don’t work for us.”
III. Ekansh and Meredith
Loving. Comedy. Adventure.
Meredith is an American who hails from Texas, while Ekansh, an electrical engineer, comes from Delhi. Currently they live in Bangalore, where she teaches yoga and volunteers on various social work projects, locally and globally.
The Story Behind It All
“We first met in Bangalore, while I was traveling around India with a friend. We met through mutual friends, at a house party in Indiranagar in 2011. In the following months, we fell in love while traveling around India to attend various weddings — I attended seven Indian weddings in seven different states, in my first six months here! My last stop was Delhi, to Ekansh’s home for Holi, where I met his family for the first time. After two years of darting around the globe to meet each other, we got married (with the blessings of both our families) in Texas and in Delhi in March 2014.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“I love Indian food, for sure. But also, the diversity of traditions here and the way it allows people to grow up multilingual and pluralistic in their thinking.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“The close familial connections of an extended family. Any family function has such a variety of ages all calling each other bhai and behen, which I think is so beautiful. Even though I have three siblings I am close with, I only have five cousins; and they are all several years older; so I never felt so sandwiched with family like he is.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“At first there were a few comments from the older generations of our families, but not from any immediate family or friends and no strong disapproval — just misconceptions.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“ I have been asked by other Indians or South Asians about why I’m with him. In one case though, I know it was meant in an ugly, racist way, but other times it was more along the lines of how we met or how we got together.
The Struggles Faced So Far
“When we first met out landlord in Bangalore, he asked us for proof of our marriage before signing the lease. Visa issues also prevented me from working in India for the first two years of our marriage, until I got my OCI. Now, I have a permanent legal document that says I’m a ‘housewife’, which is not a word I would use to describe myself! Also, coming from such different backgrounds and upbringings means that there are times when it takes more communication and understanding, or patience to relate to the other’s perspective.”
IV. Jackson and Supriya
Comfortable. Supportive. Happy.
Supriya Singh is an Indian by birth, and lived in Lucknow. She worked in Media while she was in India, and currently works with a local TV channel in Melbourne. Jackson lives in Australia, and is a musician.
The Story Behind It All
“I quit my job to travel in 2012, to put my life in perspective, as I never got a chance to do that after the loss of my father in 2010. I bought a one way ticket to Kochi, and while I was there I bumped into two Americans who I went along with to a little pub. That’s where I met my future husband. He was backpacking with his friend from Australia and it was his second day in India. We decided to make impromptu travel plans together, and left for Kerala, Goa, and then Hampi. We spent a good 6 months just travelling, and by the end of it, he was sure of his feelings for me. He returned two months after his visa ran out, and we moved to Kolkata. As a musician, he took Indian classical/Latin Music classes and I did a bunch of random online jobs. By 2014, we knew we wanted to marry each other and ended up getting married in Rishikesh!”
On Each Other’s Culture
“I like that people here in Australia treat everyone equally and with respect. Even kids are seen as individuals who have their own mind, and are allowed to speak it. Secondly, their manners. Saying sorry, thank you, please, waiting for your turn, and not trying to cut a line, all go a long way for me. ”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“Definitely the manners. I also wished that I had done more outdoorsy stuff like the people here do a lot. I wish hiking and being connected to nature was part of my upbringing.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“Except for my eldest brother and his wife, I didn’t face any resistance from anyone.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“I have actually been questioned by a total stranger about my decision to marry a white person. They went on to ask why I couldn’t marry an Indian, and what was so wrong about an Indian. I get a lot of raised eyebrows when I am with Jackson in public, in India. I don’t think people believe us when we tell them we are married. I feel that I’ll have to carry my marriage certificate everywhere in India next time.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“Moving to another country is never easy, you learn quite a bit and you give up a lot of your old ways. Daily issues can crop up too when you’re with someone who has had an upbringing that varies from yours. Jackson is also quite an adventurous guy, so I’ve had to match his enthusiasm —still a work in progress. He had to understand that as an Indian, I believe in asking the same question thrice, more so if I get no for an answer. Especially if it has to do with eating or food!”
V. Meghna and Pierre-Antoine
Intense. Fulfilling. Respectful with a touch of silliness.
Pierre is French and a musician by profession. Meghna is Bengali, and works as a teacher – she teaches French!
The Story Behind It All
“It all began when I packed my bags on a whim and decided to come to India as an intern in Kolkata. Luckily for me, Meghna and I met only a few months after I arrived. When I first bumped into her, I had the same feeling I had when I first touched down in Kolkata — that I was going to be here for much longer, for a reason unknown. I felt at home. I was in charge of organising a theatre workshop for a play that Meghna was a part of. I’d wait near the library desk near her classroom pretending to do something just to exchange a quick, ‘Bonjour, how are you?’ until the workshop began. We began texting after, and finally, a few days later, I asked her out for lunch which she gladly agreed to.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“I enjoy the Indian culture’s overall tradition, food and elegance. Meghna enjoys our politeness and the fact that we know how to respect one’s privacy. She also loves our Christmas tradition, when the entire family comes together to share a delicious lunch which lasts for almost four hours, filled with laughter, wine and some great desserts.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“I grew up in a family where expressing emotions overtly was rather discouraged, whereas in India I’m rediscovering myself from a whole new perspective as I am learning to express my feelings gradually. Another thing that I would have loved growing up with is to be able to come back home from school at 2:30 PM and devote more time pursuing what I like the most, that is making music! In France, school starts at 8 AM and finishes at 5 PM.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“We didn’t exactly face any disapproval but we did face a lot of jealousy from different sources. At the beginning of our relationship, people were skeptical and discouraging. We heard them saying, ‘this is just casual, you will see it will end in a few days.’”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“We’ve been faced with plenty of questions — which one of us is ready to give up citizenship? How can you get married to somebody from a different country? Why stay in a live-in relationship when you can get married? As if it is as easy as going to the grocery store!”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“The biggest challenge we faced was living together in the same country. We’re dreading the day my visa expires, and I’m forced to return to France leaving her behind in Kolkata.”
VI. Christopher and Vidula
Dynamic. Chaotic. Exciting.
Chris is a sports fanatic from Buffalo, New York, and Vidula is a sports-hating dreamer from Mumbai. Chris is a healthcare consultant and Vidula is a consultant for Deloitte.
The Story Behind It All
“We met at Denison University, our mutual alma mater. It was Vie’s first week in the United States and she was in the middle of freshmen orientation. We faked our way into a freshmen ‘mixer’ dance which is when I was introduced to Vie. We didn’t start dating until two years later though!”
On Each Other’s Culture
“It’s hard not to put the cuisine at the top of the list, but I’ll go for something a little different. I love how Indians really value conversation more so than other cultures. In my experience, I’ve felt that the barriers to getting to know someone don’t exist in India quite like in America. Conversation with relative strangers isn’t confined to the weather or other ‘safe topics’, but often becomes meaningful right away.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“I wish I had seen the diversity of religions, economic classes, and languages that exist in many parts of India. My parents tried to expose me to a lot growing up, but unless you live in a big city in the United States like New York City, it’s hard to get the same diverse perspective on life.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“For the most part, I’ve felt nothing but acceptance and love. However, during my senior year in college when Vie and I first started dating, I spent a lot less time with my usual friends and a lot more time getting to know Vie and her friends. In a school known for its cliques, I felt a little bit of the cold shoulder from some of my closest friends who couldn’t understand why I was spending so much time with a new group of people.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“The most common question is always, ‘Is there a big language barrier with her family?’ which, to some extent, is an understandable question as most Americans don’t understand how widespread English is spoken in India. The most absurd has actually been asked more than once – ‘So is she like a princess or part of a royal family in India?’”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“I think the biggest challenge is one that is not characteristic of all mixed race couples, but is fairly common - -we live a world apart from Vie’s family. While the challenge is most difficult for Vie because she sees her family only occasionally, it also means that I have so much more to learn about them but it’s something I look forward to.”
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