7 Couples Tell Us What Being In A Mixed Race Relationship Is Like
I remember the first mixed race couple I ever met; my neighbours from back home in Goa. He hailed from Kanpur, while she was from England, and they met on her brief visit to India. Considering this was in the pre-partition period, acceptance for a relationship like theirs was far from forthcoming. Fast forward a few years to after partition, when she was forced to leave, and you’ve got a tale that’d put Romeo and Juliet to shame.
From dealing with India’s struggle with borders, surviving on snail mail for years without seeing each other and broken phone calls with struggling telephone operators, they somehow made it work, until they finally got married. They’ve proudly owned their cross-cultural background ever since, and have ensured that their children and grandchildren grew up to do the same.
While it is agreed that over the years, technology has made it relatively easier to keep up a long-distance relationship, or to meet the peanut butter to your paratha, not a lot of people understand that the complexity of a cross-cultural relationship can run a whole lot deeper. There’s an entire lifetime worth of culture and customs that you’re going to be exposed to, not to mention, possibly have to learn. Follow that up with constant doses of ‘friendly advice’ from random strangers who’ll notice this disparity when you walk around with your significant other, and the big question — who makes the big move, when things get serious?
While no relationship is an easy ride, mixed race couples really do have their work cut out for them. And they just happen to represent a world that’s coming together rather than falling apart at its borders. They represent a breed of humans willing to move away from fear, rigid bias and squeamishness about the ‘unknown’. In that vein, we reached out to a few people who’ve been making it work, despite the above (and more) obstacles life has thrown at them. Scroll on to read their stories!
Disclaimer: Being a crowd-sourced post, this article is based on responses from willing participants.
I. Sonal and Sandro
Hot. Happy. Honest.
Sonal is from India while Sandro is from Germany. Together, the duo run a successful travel blog called Drifter Planet that showcases their journey around the world. Beyond the blog, Sandro works as a chef and Sonal is a digital nomad. They’ve been married for three years and have since lived in New Delhi, Goa, and Germany.
The Story Behind It All
“Believe it or not - we met each other in a music festival! Our love story started in 2013 when we both decided to head to South East Asia for a backpacking trip. Instead of “finding ourselves”, we found each other on New Year’s Eve in a music festival in Koh Tao (Thailand). We dated each other for a while and travelled together. We eventually decided to tie the knot and had a big fat Indian wedding in February 2015. After our marriage, we lived with my parents in New Delhi for a year. We both had fixed jobs at that time and we decided to save a lot of money before leading a nomadic lifestyle.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“Believe it or not, there is a festival almost every weekend in Germany and no; I’m not talking about music festivals. One week it’s the medieval festival near the castle, then it’s Schützenfest, there’s also Kirmes, one month long Christmas market festivities and of course, Oktoberfest. Sandro loves our dancing culture. Weddings, festivals, parties or no occasion at all, he loves that people just love to dance. The chaos, funny sounds, crowds—just the fact that there’s never a dull moment.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“I wish I had experienced German Christmas festivities while growing up. They have a tradition where the kids get a gift every day in December before Christmas. I would have loved that when I was little. Apart from that, I love Germany’s outdoor sports culture, especially in summers.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“We have never faced any disapproval from friends or family, but faced strange comments from our ex-coworkers. Before marriage, one of my ex-coworkers actually told me to be careful because ‘foreigners are not loyal partners’.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“Someone had the cheek to ask if we were marrying each other for a visa and EU residence card.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“The paperwork is probably the most challenging part of being a mixed race couple. There was pre-marriage paperwork, post-marriage paperwork and some of it is still going on. It took 8 months for our marriage to get registered in Germany! The second issue is about language—not between us but other family members. Not many people know or like to speak English in Germany.”
II. Lynn and Girish
Spiritual. Ever-changing. Destined.
Girish was 29 and Lynn was 36 when they first met at work. Lynn (who moved from America) worked in hospitality and Girish worked in production, at the same company. It’s been a good 12 years since they’ve been together now, as consultants in the creative space.
The Story Behind It All
“While producing an event for a notable celebrity in Goa, we ran into an unexpected twist. A bunch of thugs beat up our crew! A few nicks and bruises, but thankfully all the guys were okay. By morning, they were laughing it off and playing dumb charades, while my colleague and I nursed their wounds and wounded egos. That’s when I met him. He described to me how he’d lost his glasses in the altercation, so I offered him mine. We joke that the minute he put on my specs, he could see the vision of his future…me! We became fast friends. Not too long after that, we sang a drunken duet. We’ve been together ever since.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“The night of the incident in Goa, I was horrified and shocked. I’d only just moved to India the month prior and I couldn’t wrap my head around the insecurity and lawlessness I felt. That anything-can-happen-ness. Yet, the warmth of the camaraderie and the collective choice to move on and enjoy the downtime while they recuperated was comforting; a relief. Had it happened in the US, I could only imagine how we’d assign blame, turn on each other, take sides. It’d hit the papers and get litigious long before we’d let it go. Justice certainly offers a valuable resolution, but letting go can offer a real peace.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“Sharing. My first few weeks on the job, I’d prepare and bring my lunch to work, only to find that it’d be opened and half eaten by the time I could leave my desk. I was aghast. But once I realized that everyone opens up their tiffin, everything’s fair game for everyone, and I’d try Nirmal’s parathas, Richard’s Bisi Billi Bath…I was like, this is genius! Loosen the reigns, Lynn, and you’ll reap huge rewards! I remember being astounded back in 2005 before I moved here, when I heard that Indians would drive three hours to an airport in the middle of the night to pick up a cousin they never met. American parents might tell their own child to hail a cab. Our culture is system oriented. India runs on relationships.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“Sure, his parents weren’t thrilled. They had concerns about their son being with an American woman who was older...and diagnosed with cancer! Who wouldn’t have been? He wasn’t argumentative about it, just quietly steadfast. To be honest, I think he was more concerned about my survival than he was about how his parents’ felt. It took him 9 months, the entire duration of my treatment to get the visa but once he did, he just told them, I’m going to America, to be with her. I absolutely know that it was our daily calls that kept me alive.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“If it was legit! Six months after our wedding, we were called in for his green card interview. The officer grilled us, he wasn’t convinced we were telling the truth. We’d just spent the past year overcoming dire illness and separation—a fact I reminded him of. His response was, “Yeah, but you didn’t have the bad cancer, you weren’t going to die or anything.” That was it for me. I stood up to leave and told him, “If that’s how this is going to go down, then we don’t need you or this country!” “Ahhh, now that’s what I needed to see,” he said, “that you’d fight for him.” In proving ourselves to others, we’ve proven our commitment to one another, time and again.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“We’ve lived and worked, both here and there. When you jump between cultures for one another, you have to be willing to drop your identity, your role in the community and in some ways even in the relationship. It’s like a passing of the baton, in the middle of the relay race—you gotta be able to look each other in the eye and say, I get it, I get what you will go through, and I got this. I got us till you find your groove. We both value consciousness over ego and respect that nothing is permanent. We’re in it for the ride, together. It’s a constant evolution.”
III. Madhuri and Benjamin
Fun. Intense. Transformational.
Madhuri (26) is an investment banking professional from India, while Benjamin (28) works as a sales manager engaged in the food industry. Hailing from a small city in France, he’s been working for the last three years to set up business for a French company. They’ve been together for the past five years.
The Story Behind It All
“We met five years ago while studying at IIM, Kozhikode. I was pursuing my MBA there and Benjamin had come for a semester on foreign exchange. While we didn’t have a single class in common, we did have a ridiculous number of parties which meant we got enough time to get to know each other better in a very short period of time!”
On Each Other’s Culture
“Firstly, the food. Also, their appreciation for art and history. For Benjamin, it’s the ease with which people pick up conversations with random strangers in the most unexpected locations! India’s warmth and hospitality also amazes him.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“I wish I had experienced the same degree of independence to figure out who or what I wanted to be without too much family or societal pressure.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“Not disapproval really. Just a whole lot of curiosity. In Benjamin’s case, his parents had to come to terms with the fact that he would be away for a considerable amount of time. But that just led to his family and friends visiting us here, to understand and discover the culture themselves!”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“For some reason, people have a hard time accepting that an Indian girl could be dating a foreigner boy. Hotels we stayed at across the country have actually asked if we were siblings! People don’t talk to me in Hindi and refuse to accept that I’m Indian. One time, we were even stalked by a seemingly friendly uncle in Hampi who wanted to know why an Indian girl was roaming around with a foreigner if she was not related to him by blood or by marriage.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“Since our upbringing and cultures are so different, we have completely opposite perspectives about life. I’m not overly romantic but I grew up with a healthy dose of Karan Johar and Yash Raj—leading to an over-the-top idea of what an ideal relationship looks like. Benjamin, on the other hand is practical, with no frills when it comes to a relationship so it does lead to challenges about what we want from a relationship. Seemingly trivial issues somehow magnify if you’re a mixed race couple such as food habits, how you interact with family, the importance given to festivities, how you spend an average day, etc.”
IV. Sarah and Alessandro
Comfortable. Fun. Loving.
An Indian mixed with Indonesian blood, Sarah (31) was born in Mumbai and then brought up in Hong Kong. She now works as a copywriter who freelances. Alessandro is an Italian (34) from Veneto, and is the plant head for an Italian multinational company.
The Story Behind It All
“We met on a night out and we were introduced through our common friends.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“I like their open-mindedness, acceptance of new people and how much they love summer. Alessandro likes my approach to different situations because of the experience I’ve had with people of different cultures. Oh, and my diverse taste in food!”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“Less imposing parents (Asian parents, tiger mums, etc), and enjoying the simple life.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“My parents were extremely supportive from the get-go and they had no qualms about our lifestyle. The bias comes from society and people in general. When they see you with someone who isn’t Indian, they automatically think it’s a fling and it’s just physical. There’s even a bias about meeting at a club. Isn’t that the romantic setting for all modern romances? There’s so much speculation about us getting together—some people think it’s money and someone even had the audacity to say I was lucky as I’d get an Italian passport.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“People are always asking us about the status of our relationship. When are you getting married? Where are you going to live? Just get married already. It’s more inappropriate than absurd I think.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“PAPERWORK! While moving from one place to another, we have to deal with visas, etc. Otherwise, between the two of us, it’s our reactions to certain situations sometimes. It’s either too extreme or too relaxed, based on our different points of view. Getting a good grasp of Italian is a bit tough too.”
V. Roshni and David
Fun. Trust. Robust.
29-year-old Roshni is an Indian working as a graphic designer for a think tank in Washington, D.C. David who is 27 and Haitian-American, works in the same company as an audio/visual coordinator.
The Story Behind It All
“We met at our alma mater. David was an enrolled student of the Radio course; I was the teacher’s assistant for it. My job was to teach the students the functioning of the radio equipment as well as the software and post audio editing techniques. I also helped the students work on their assignments and projects. I met David on the first day of that Radio class when he asked me to help him with the Radio equipment. Our friendship grew and David started giving me rides after class from the Radio studio to the other end of the campus where I had another class to attend, as, like most international students in the US, I did not yet own a car. Shortly after, David asked me out on a date and 5 years and 3 months later, we got married.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“My favourite part of David’s culture is Thanksgiving. Though the holiday has a controversial history, it has evolved over centuries to become a beautiful tradition of getting together with friends and family and conveying our deep appreciation for them.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“Haitians are very accepting of pre-marital intimate relationships regardless of whether the couple belongs to the same race/culture or not. It’s one societal/cultural aspect I wish I grew up with. While my immediate family never had any problems with my dating life growing up, I had to keep it a secret from the Indian society to avoid being regarded as a ‘slut’.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“My parents and sister were very supportive of our relationship from the get-go. My extended family found out about us only a few months before the wedding and they were very supportive as well. But a lot of my friends back in India and some international Indian students (in the US) kind of stopped talking to me when they found out I was dating a black person. Yet others went out of their way to impart advice about how I “should be very careful about getting involved with a black man”, whatever that meant.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“My ex-roommate (Indian) asked me if I was dating David for a green card, to which I said, “Because green cards can only be achieved through marriage and only through a black guy? Would you have thought the same if I were dating an Indian-American?””
The Struggles Faced So Far
“The biggest challenge is being able to cook for each other or finding a restaurant that has enough options for the both of us on date night. I’m a strict vegetarian and he’s an avid meat eater. Most American restaurants that don’t serve Italian cuisine find it a bit difficult to offer both diets simultaneously. While most other ‘Blindian couples’ I know (that’s what we, black and Indian couples, call ourselves! We actually have a large network/group here in the US and we stay connected through Facebook) face problems with assimilating each other’s religions; neither David nor I are religious, so that is one problem we don’t face.
VI. Alok and Therese
Unconditional. Non-judgemental. Companionship.
Alok (33) runs an Event Management Company that handles corporate hospitality at Sporting Venues across the UK. Therese (27) who is Swedish, is a stay at home mother who looks after their three children, while helping Alok with administrative work.
The Story Behind It All
“We met in London. I had a spare room in the house I was renting with a friend. After advertising the spare room on a website, Therese came to see it. I offered her a lift from a bus stop to the property with my flashy red car, but she refused. She did end up staying with us, then worked for me for a while. We officially started going out Christmas Day, 2010 and had our first child March 9, 2012.”
On Each Other’s Culture
“My favourite part of Swedish culture is how relaxed they are with their bodies and how health-conscious they are. When I first went out for a walk in Sweden with her, I stupidly asked her what the occasion was when I saw people out and about, as they all looked stunning. She simply said there was no occasion, that’s just how everyone looked and dressed. With my love for extremely spicy and oily Indian food, it’s been a difficult journey to shift to eating steamed Kale and drinking spinach juice for dinner.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“It’d be the same as above. I wish I was more health-conscious while growing up. You see very few beer bellies or overweight people here.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“When we first met, I wondered if anyone would approve of our relationship, but not a single person from my family opposed it. We weren’t even married when Therese got pregnant but my mother was ecstatic! However, when I met Therese’s family, they had a few incredibly naive questions like if India had buildings, if I’d beat her up or hit the kids and if I knew of any Indians who wore leaves as undergarments. Initially, I was quite upset with this line of questioning but very soon I realised how poorly informed the Swedes are about Indians due to their books and education being very minimal and safe to say—prehistoric.”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“Our regular waiter at a Pakistani restaurant asked me very bluntly in Urdu how much she charged for ‘the papers’ while she was pregnant with our first child. We never set foot in there again. We get several stares and ignorant questions when we go to Indian grocery stories or the temple too.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“Immigration is always tough. Once I’ve even got a call from Home Office (UK Immigration) asking me about Olivia (my child) and Therese’s details since Olivia’s passport bears my last name while Therese’s has hers. The officers didn’t believe Olivia was Therese’s baby so I had to cross-confirm details and eventually they were let go after being held for an hour. Now we have to carry our kids’ birth certificates and photos to prove our relationships. Otherwise, our relationship has faced a tough two year period where we argued constantly, due to our cultural differences as well as my work ethic. Now, I know to focus more on my health than money, thanks to Therese. She really stuck it out with me and made me realise that for things to work, we both need to compromise and find a middle ground.”
VII. Sahira and Pieter-Jan
Best friends. Stupid. Warm.
Sahira (24) is an Indian working with a Digital Ad Agency as a Brand Strategist. Pieter-Jan (26) is a Belgian, and is a researcher by profession.
The Story Behind It All
“We met at the London School of Economics where we both pursued our Master’s degree. I studied Media and Communication, he studied Conflict Studies. As you can tell, our academic interests didn’t exactly match but as fate would have it, we happened to live in the same dorm. And that’s where it all started!”
On Each Other’s Culture
“It’s interesting how we take pride in our family and relationships being more close-knit than in the west. The truth, in my experience, is that our culture isn’t as great as it seems. It leaves little room for individuality, for non-conformism. My boyfriend’s parents respect the personal and professional decisions he takes without letting a socially prescribed notion of right or wrong get in the way. There’s more communication, less reluctance, more truth, less fiction. I’m thankful to have supportive parents who trust my decision and love Pieter. But even then, there are certain implicit boundaries that I’m expected to adhere to out of respect for our culture and values.”
Aspects Of Your Partner’s Culture You Wish You’d Grown Up With
“The fact that he was allowed to make mistakes – especially during his teenage years. I mean, for an Indian this needs little explanation. A teenage girl in India is subjected to constant surveillance – at home, at school, on the streets. You can’t be giving the wrong signal or ‘inviting’ the wrong attention. I wish I’d experienced the opportunity to be more in touch with my teenage self than I was, living in India.”
On Peer & Family Approval
“It wasn’t so much disapproval as doubt. Initially, my parents weren’t too sure about the whole thing. Thankfully, their doubts were put to rest when they met him and realised how happy he makes me. Most of my girlfriends have been very supportive. Some thought it was stupid of me to trust a white guy—but here we are!”
Most Absurd Thing You’ve Been Asked About Your Relationship
“I don’t recall any specific question, but we do get a couple of curious stares on a daily basis. People are utterly confused at times. When they do ask, they’re too uncomfortable with the term ‘boyfriend’ anyway. So they ask, “Friends?” and I simply nod.”
The Struggles Faced So Far
“Cultural differences of course! We often lock horns over them but somehow manage to find a middle ground. An example of that would be that we can’t live together before marriage. We’ve made our peace with that.”
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