We Spoke To Anonymous Closeted Indians About Their Struggles With Identity

Choicelessness is a heavy burden. The metaphorical space of the closet has been habitually symbolising breathless confinement and now, hidden identity. Being queer in a growing India is exceptionally hard. Those who disagree would quip otherwise and say that it’s relatively easier. After the section 377 verdict, it became legal for persons of the same sex to participate in sexual intercourse. The decision, no doubt, was an immense victory for India. However, strong traces of societal homophobia and non-acceptance still do exist. It may not be against the law, but it is not the ‘safe’ social stereotype or thought out path laid out. India has not dipped its toes into being inclusive without actively participating in a derogatory ‘other’ mentality. The contradictory nature of inclusivity in India is like an oil canvas, with two distinctive surfaces. Being completely yourself with no agitation or backlash is a privilege but it absolutely shouldn’t be.

Imagine coming home to parents who are euphoric at you declaring yourself as queer and who accept the person you are with a full happy heart. The possibility of passing love on instead of shunning them for being who they rightfully are is a practice we could all inhabit. The world may be showing us that it’s okay to love who you love but maybe we also feel that freedom is not truly inertly felt where we stand. Fear of being looked at differently, being called derogatory insults, having to constantly experience bullying can be exhausting. How do we combat this? How do we voice our identities and positions of gender fluidity to those who do not want to understand or won’t listen? How do allies help? We talk and start discussions from a place of empathy and tolerance about our daily experiences and then some more.

Maybe, empathy isn’t putting yourself in someone’s shoes rather it’s trying to understand a whole new perspective with the knowledge that you will never fully grasp their particular experience. I would like to believe the world is filled with bursts of kindness everywhere; I would also love to believe that kindness transcends borders of intangible or tangible labels.

To take time to come out and experience the world as your true authentic self and voicing these harrowing moments of non-acceptance and struggle is a courageous act. Here are a few thoughts, feelings and messages shared by queer individuals who are still experiencing the threat of conformity and homophobia. Each bullet point is not unnoticed or heedless. Each seemingly callous bullet is a person with a lion-heart being heard and made to be heard because it is undeniably unjust not to.

Thank you for taking time and reflecting on your struggles and how possibly if you could, come out to your loved ones.

Q) Tell us what is keeping you from coming out?

• Fear of being treated special (not normal), left alone and abused. Homophobia is a lot more of a greater problem than it seems.

• The fallout. I’m not ready to see the reactions on the faces of my family members, or how they will respond. I’ve almost come out so many times, you know? Built up the strength, and the confidence, walked into their room, and then just deciding to do it some other day. It’s scary. Makes me weak in the knees. There’s a pit in my stomach. My hands shake. It’s not pleasant at all.

• The fear of being judged and hated by my family. and their unawareness and naivety on the issue.

• Society

• Strength, belief, and knowledge.

• Parents, society & career. Mostly parents.

• Fear of facing rejection from family and friends

• Family and society

• Mostly it’s a fear of rejection. From friends, family, society, workplace colleagues. But once I got over that it’s the whole drama that surrounds ‘coming out’. I think I just am not used to going up to individuals and saying it without context mostly because it alludes to the fact that ‘I have some explaining to do’. I mean I don’t see straight people going to everybody they meet and explaining how they romantically prefer a certain gender. So now I answer the question only if it’s directed to me and the person asking wants to know something specific.

• I’m yet to explore my sexuality. So, unless I’ve not figured out who I am, it’d be a meaningless process.

• The fact that homosexuality isn’t normalized. The lack of representation of sexual minorities in mainstream Indian society makes me feel very uncomfortable about talking about my own sexuality, even though I am proud of it. The fact that it seems to be a taboo to me makes my heart race every time I think about telling people as if it’s a dirty little secret.

• Fear of acceptance and being looked at differently

• Whether it’s a colleague in a metro city or a distant relative in a small town, they all have social stereotypes and a regressive outlook. Coming out is something that they will never understand because it’s apparently against their culture, nature, and understanding. These set of people can be extremely demeaning and insulting. So even if you are a strong individual, you are not sure if your parents/ close relatives will be able to look through people passing disgusting jokes/ comments.

Q) What is it like to be a closeted person from the LGBTQ+ community in India?

• It’s really hard, each and every point of your life, the thought always remains in your mind. It affects efficiency and productivity when the thought overpowers you during stressful situations.

• I’m out to almost everyone. I’ve been lucky enough to find acceptance in my friends and peers. But I’ve come across so many articles and news reports on the hatred faced by talented, kind, loving people simply for the fact that they were from the LGBT community.

• You take a lifetime to accept it and understand it’s completely normal and it’s not a sin.

• Suffocation

• Sucks. Anyway, meeting men is difficult as fuck. Being closeted makes it nearly impossible to find someone decent. Added sucks, so do grumans. *inhuman, grindr humans*

• I am out at work and to my friends, not out to my family - makes me feel like a liar and not being proud of who I am. Being inside the closet is like living in constant fear of hiding something and lying about it all the time

• Suffocated! With hardly any self-worth! Uneasy and uncomfortable most of the time. Lifeless. And feeling lost and depressed.

• Very hard, feelings of choking up

• I think millennials as a group are more accepting. They genuinely do seem like they don’t care. But internalized homophobia is a legit thing. So even when people are cool with the idea of multiple sexual orientations, they don’t see the problem with making homophobic jokes, sticking with stereotypes etc.

• I am not myself. Feels I am in a cage.

• Skeptical and hopeful.

• I feel as if I have no future. Every time I hear of marriage, starting a family and such plans I know that I will have to fight so hard for these rights, but I bite my lips as my closeted self does not have an option to voice disappointment. I feel as if my life is aimless and going nowhere, and long term familial goals will remain unfulfilled forever.

• A dual life

• It can be suffocating and as you grow, you realise that you can’t be always closeted because you want stability. Till my early 20s, I decided to never think of coming out and just enjoy my life (also my close friends know) but when you grow old and see others out on social media/ gatherings with their dates then you feel like why can’t I do the same. Sometimes, I also look back and see what would have happened if I was not denial about my sexuality in school. Would I also relate to the high school rom-coms cause I could’ve had my own high school rom-com.

Q) In what ways do you believe things should better?

• I think, school is the place where a kid learns major of life skills. Living and learning with collegues is a much easier source of knowledge here. The city scenario seems well of with the LGBTQ+ (still, some only act to be cool). While in some towns and other regions (like the place from where I come from) topics such as that of sex education are limited in teaching, and sometimes, schools are not that much trained to handle these issues, hence, remain ignored due to social stigmas.

• Education will pull India’s head out of it’s ass. The stigma projected onto the LGBT community is heartbreaking. We have had to fight for the right to love another person. The LGBT still cannot marry, cannot adopt a family, cannot own property, etc. We have a long, long way to go, but 377 was a step in the right direction, and it’s all upwards from there on.
• Awareness and normalcy in accepting LGBT relationship.

• Knowledge and humanity

• Awareness. Making mainstream films on it for Indians to watch & learn. Openly talking about it like we do about Modi on dinner table

• Social acceptance which can only come if the govt speak more on it without the fear of losing votes

• I don’t know. Maybe if I could get a supportive environment.

• LGBTQAI+ inclusive education, awareness in parents

• Knowledge

• Just be nonchalant about the whole thing. The correct response to coming out isn’t ‘omg what a big deal’ (irrespective of right or wrong) or asking questions that conform with stereotypes. The correct response is in the line of ‘whatever works best for you and if you need to talk I am here for you ’

• Acceptance and only acceptance can make things better.

• of gender-normative approaches, while learning the importance of not sticking to labels.

• Pro-LGBT legislation. That’s the biggest issue in our county.

• People should be flexible in thoughts

• Most schools are breeding grounds of toxic masculinity. The teachers, students and even parents teach boys how to be boys and bully the ones who aren’t being ‘boyish’ so education, awareness and sensitisation in schools are the most important. Cause you can’t do much about the probably educated but unaware adults for whom same relationships are a huge deal. It’s difficult to change their perception. Hence, focus on schools in both rural and urban areas.

Q) If you could come out in a written message to your loved ones, what would it be?

• I know, you love me, you always will. Thanks for supporting me, I hope you do the same after I come out because I am the same person you have been with always. Please do forgive me of all the lies and fun I have been acting, under the curtain of my tearful eyes. Things haven’t changed a bit, not me, not you, not live, just a new door has open to let the air come in inside the suffocating closet I have been living in. It’s hard, I know, for you, for me, but please support me, outside this shell, as I can’t take it all alone.

• Mum, dad, I’m sorry that you won’t get to have a daughter in law. I’m sorry that even though we’re honest with each other about everything, it’s not a 100%. It’s really tiring for me to pretend to be dating girls. It’s really tiring for me to like watching sports “like a real man”. I’m sorry I don’t fit in your sense of what it is to be a real man, but I’m proud of who I am, and I’m on my way to achieving everything that I’ve planned, and I refuse to be defined by a single aspect of my existence. Hope you get around to accepting that small aspect soon.

• Mumma, I love a girl. I like her hand on mine and her lips on my neck and her chest pressed against mine. Mumma, I can no longer keep changing pronouns and my identity. Mumma, I am a girl and I am so in love with this girl. Mumma, i love a girl. Will, that make you love me any less ?

• I love you... and please love me for who I am.
• I almost came out. I believe first we all are humans. I am what I am. So accept me the way I am.

• Hi Mom & Dad, For the longest time I have hidden something for which I am not ashamed. It who I am, what I have become and what I will be! I am Gay!

• My message would be like- I struggle every day to accept my self. But you could atleast accept me then it will be easier for me to accept myself. I love you all. Understand me and be supportive.

• Love can never be wrong

• Read up. You think you know about sexual orientations because you have that one gay friend (who’s actually a friend of a friend). Or because you loved made I. Heaven. Yes. They are all realistic portrayals. But the thing is that’s what they are: portrayals. Sexual orientation is a wide wonderful colorful range of feelings. But you don’t know what this thing is unless you actually read/hear multiple perspectives. I am Bi and I still don’t completely understand it. It’s unfair for anyone from the LGBTQ+ community to expect straight people to understand the whole thing given you haven’t ‘experienced’ it. But education is a good start. Also all you heterosexuals, (in my experience) there’s a 90% probability you aren’t a 100% straight either. Be honest to yourself, have you never ever even thought about being with someone of the same sex? Conditioning is a real thing too

• This is me. I didn’t choose.. intact tried to change myself. But I am sorry. I can’t. This won’t make love you less or be a bad daughter. Believe in me and let me live. This is suffocating.

• I’m coming out, for my own good.

• “Dear Mum and Dad. Let’s just say you’ll never need to worry about me getting pregnant- at least, not by accident. Thanks, your lesbian daughter.”

• I’m gay! Let’s talk about it. PS. I’ll send a video on what not to say/ ask and what to say/ ask to LGBTQ peeps

Featured illustration by Saumya Singh for Homegrown.

If you liked this article, we suggest you read:

SC Scraps Section 377 – Queer Sex In India Is No Longer A Crime!

‘Homosexuality Is Not An Illness’ – The Indian Psychiatric Society Finally Takes A Stand

Supreme Court’s Landmark Sec 377 Hearing – Everything You Need To Know