Indian Men Reveal How Watching Porn Changed Their Sex Lives

Trying to enter the male psyche is a perfectly daunting task at the best of times, and trying to do so without being sucked into a Freudian whirlpool of stereotypes can be even harder. Growing up in an all-girls school, my exposure to the concept of typical ‘locker room banter’ was restricted to TV and movie references but as I discovered over the years - the hype was real, female responses to porn can be jarringly different from the male one. ‘Oh well...men are from Mars, women from Venus right, obviously you wouldn’t understand.’ was one of the infuriating responses I got while researching this piece and though the dismissive cliche still rankles, it proved just how much there was to learn.

It’s de rigueur for young boys to covertly swap videos and magazines in school, or for slightly skeevy comments about women to be considered perfectly normal and a part of ‘growing up’. Though undoubtedly a dangerous fostering of toxic masculinity, it’s also a reflection of how porn contributes to the skewed male mentality. Though there is a lot of porn out there that’s undoubtedly empowering, it goes without saying that most of it sets up a slightly unrealistic image of women. That being said, it’s statistically proven that Indian men tend to favour the ‘Tamil Aunty’ branch of things, so that leaves me once again, floundering in an Oedipal nightmare. Pornstar perfection or curvaceous ‘MILFs’, what does sexy mean anyway?

The science states that the need for men to seek visual stimulation is more than just natural, it’s healthy. In a base biological sense, humans were not designed as monogamous beings but as proliferators of the gene-pool (read: they’re supposed to get around). The Coolidge effect substantiates this phenomenon in males stating that ‘Males experience a renewed sexual interest if introduced to new receptive sexual partners’. Now once upon a time, that wouldn’t have been a problem, but in the age of relationships and fidelity, porn acts as the only viable outlet for people to express the diversity of their sexual needs. Many people believe that porn can put undue stress on a relationship - even though we already know women are just as avid users - but the fact that it can pose a threat at all underlines that the idyllic nature of porn is clearly an impossible goal in reality.

For men who grew up in matriarchal households, the medium of porn provided a visual of women, radically different and highly sexualised. As Vishal* describes it “It distorted my perception of women completely as a growing kid. I viewed them as these elusive creatures of pleasure existing only to validate me. I used to place beautiful women high up on a pedestal.” These images of airbrushed perfection became the baseline for many mens’ approach to relationships with women, both sexual and otherwise. Porn has also set women up to be docile and demure, which is rarely the case in the modern world. Many women are comfortable initiating a sexual encounter and taking their pleasure into their own hands (literally), and in the world of dominant male porn, this can leave men feeling undesirable and ineffective.

Learning to compartmentalise the image of women from porn from the real women in your life is difficult, but necessary. It’s the age-old tale of fantasy vs. reality and part of this development is learning that sometimes the fantasy isn’t quite as good as the real thing. For most men that we spoke with, coming to terms with the fact that sex isn’t all heavy moaning and elegant positioning was something that happened gradually. As Vikram* (25) says “Porn is simply unable to show the kind of real intimacy that exists in sex and that reality can be both confusing as well as liberating. Because at first you’re trying to emulate porn, but then you realize that isn’t working and that it’s just you in that moment which makes it all the more real.” (NB: Speaking from the female perspective, it’s always a relief when men realise this, most of us sadly inflexible and non-athletic people just don’t bend that way ok!)

But what about the queerer side of the story, while straight men are grappling with the scarcity of perfectly round DD’s in the real world, porn designed for gay men is tailored to depict a wider, more accessible variety of body types...or so I thought. For Utkarsh* (23), porn helped him come to terms with his sexuality but also had a lasting effect on his own body image issues, something he’s been working through ever since. “As a teenager, the idea of a particular body being attractive and others being non-attractive made me sad. But, over time, I have grown to find porn that appeals to me, and has diverse bodies. In recent years I’ve grown more confident but it did add to the cumulative effect of shame towards my own body when I was growing up, along with other pop culture things”

Across the board, the thought was the same, defining the boundaries of porn as separate from your own relationships is imperative but is something that hopefully, comes with age. Avnish* (28) had some pretty definitive thoughts on the matter saying.” If you aren’t mature enough to understand that porn is fantasy and sex with a live person are two different things then you have no business either watching porn or having sex. We all watch violent movies in mainstream cinema, it doesn’t make us (well most of us) blow up buildings or go on shooting sprees so I don’t think it is reasonable to expect that your partner look like a pornstar. (Mine does, but that’s besides the point.)”

What’s the greatest pity - and this can be applied for both men and women watching porn - is that porn as a medium doesn’t make the effort to establish itself as a conduit for education. Most young men have their first encounters with sex through porn and inculcate these ideas in their own lives. We’re not suggesting that Pornhub become a stuffy sex educator (although they have made many efforts to clear the air about porn-watching) but perhaps there needs to be a more open discussion about the true nature of porn and the discrepencies from real life. Vikram* learnt this lesson the hard way, “When this thing started I didn’t have any protection and had to run like 3km to get some and come back. Porn doesn’t talk about protection and it’s so easy to be misguided into thinking that sex doesn’t need it.” Spontaneous sex is all well and good on-screen but real life is a hell of a lot more complicated.

In the whole messy sex-iverse, porn is an infinitesimal facet, but one that has the power to shape beliefs. Treat it as a tool of sexual liberation or a debilitating addiction fuelled by the devil, the final truth is the same, it teaches you about yourself. The atmosphere of the porn industry has become an empowering one for the women on the inside, but no measure of good intentions can shape the effect it has on the people watching. You could end up with the realisation that women are independently sexual beings or away with the belief that they’re playthings for your pleasure, there’s no guarantee beyond the simple hope that conversations about boys and men watching porn break away from their judgmental tone and embrace the opportunity to fundamentally alter the way we talk about sex, in India and across the world.

Feature image illustrated by Anjul Dandekar

If you enjoyed this article, you may also like:

We Spoke To Indian Women About Their Relationship With Sex Toys

9 Indians Share Their Sex Ed Stories From School...Or The Lack Of Them!

Five Young Indian Women Get Real About Masturbation