Pretha Kalyanam Is An Ancient Custom That Marries The Dead To Bring Closure To The Living

A Pretha Kalyanam ceremony in progress.
During the wedding ceremony — which follows traditional Hindu rites, effigies of the bride and groom are used as proxies. The News Minute
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"I'm attending a marriage today. You might ask why it deserves a tweet. Well, groom is dead actually. And bride is dead too. Like about 30 years ago. And their marriage is today," [sic] YouTuber Anny Arun posted on X (formerly twitter) in July, 2022.

Arun was talking about an esoteric ritual once prevalent in the neighbouring districts of Dakshina Kannada in Karnataka and Kasaragod in Kerala. Although rare in the 21st century, this centuries-old custom known as 'Pretha Kalyanam' — or 'marriage of the dead' — is still practiced by some rural communities in the region and involve marrying off people who died in their infancy or childhood to honour their spirits. Like Victorian-era death photographs, it is a way for the family to find closure and celebrate the unlived lives of the deceased.

Apart from the morbid fact that the bride and groom are usually long dead, Pretha Kalyanam follows the same basic principles as most traditional Hindu marriages — down to the practice of caste endogamy that defines arranged marriages in India. Once a suitable match has been made, the families visit each other's homes for a formal engagement, followed by a wedding ceremony.

During the wedding ceremony — which follows traditional Hindu rites like saptapadi or the ritual of walking seven rounds around a sacred fire, and kanyadan, or giving away the bride — effigies of the bride and groom are used as proxies. Before the marriage, the bride's effigy is sat on the right side of the groom's effigy, and after the marriage, the bride's effigy is placed on the left side of the groom's — signifying the completion of the ceremony.

A Pretha Kalyanam ceremony in progress.
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There are, however, certain distinctions between Pretha Kalyanam and modern Hindu marriages. Unchanged by changing social norms and values, Pretha Kalyanam ceremonies are closer to traditional Hindu marriages from centuries ago. For one, it still involves gifting the bride and groom some amounts of cash as wedding gift while someone announces how much each guest is giving; and also, children and unmarried people are not allowed to witness the marriage ceremony.

While the custom was once widely-practiced in rural Karnataka and Kerala, the number of families who practice Pretha Kalyanam has decreased significantly in recent decades. It might seem strange, bleak, and rather macabre to outsiders, but Pretha Kalyanam represents a means of catharsis for those who still practice it. They believe in the presence of spirits. This marriage celebration of the dead takes place years after they died, at the appropriate marriageable age they would have been had they not passed.

Although unusual compared to modern norms, the families find profound comfort, both in each other's company and in the thought that their loved ones are no longer alone in the world of the dead.

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